Parents want to know they're doing a good job. Can TikTok's 'toxic parenting' challenge help?

The high-achieving millennials waiting by the mailboxes for their report cards in the '90s are now parents … and they still want an A, it appears. A viral TikTok trend is gaining momentum with one common theme: testing your parenting skills to see how your lessons, lectures and the values you’ve instilled in your kid have “worked.”

In some of the videos, parents test their kids to see how they respond to "toxic" parenting phrases like “kids should be seen and not heard." In one TikTok shared by Sunkissed Mama, for example, the mother starts with a prompt ("I brought you into this world ...") and asks her tween daughter to finish the sentence. "To be your bestie?" the girl answers, much to her mom's delight. The children's innocent responses and unfamiliarity with these old-school statements suggest that, as Parents puts it, they're "growing up with increasingly patient and understanding parents — or at least with parents who are more invested in learning how to parent without toxic parenting phrases."

A few years ago, it was the "candy challenge" making the social media rounds. Parents put out a temptation, such as a bowl of candy, leave the room and tell their child to wait until they come back to eat the treat. While not all kids are able to resist the temptation, the challenge saw many moms marveling at how patient their little ones were.

You might also recall the “cuddle your kid challenge” (aka the "lap test"), which shows what happens when parents lay their head on their child's lap. For the most part, kids responded with an embrace in a wholesome display of parent-child connection.

Big Little Feelings founders (and Yahoo Life parenting ambassadors) Deena Margolin and Kristin Gallant see the intention behind these videos as positive, demonstrating a shifting narrative in what the younger generations of parents care about.

“These trends are striking such an emotional chord because they reveal something really beautiful: We’re actively rewriting the script of how we parent,” the duo shared in an email. “When kids finish those phrases with kindness or humor — or when toddlers calmly wait for a cookie — it’s more than cute, it’s healing. It shows the generational cycle is breaking, and it’s a powerful reminder that the kids are going to be OK. Actually, we’re all doing better than we think.”

"As a therapist, I get why these are so appealing,” adds Erin Pash, a family therapist and the CEO of Pash Co. “They're entertaining, they validate your parenting choices and let's be honest: Who doesn't love seeing their parenting ‘wins’ get some likes and comments? These trends tap into our natural desire to know we're doing something right, especially in the often-uncertain journey of raising tiny humans.”

But why do modern-day parents feel the need to prove they're good enough? And can these challenges really tell parents if they're doing this parenting thing the right way? Here’s what experts say.

We are parenting in a competitive landscape

The pressure is on for today's parents. You're competing with other families for the best schools, camps and more. Your kids' toys should be carefully curated and made out of natural materials, not plastic. You can't just send your kid to school with a sandwich in the era of nutritious, colorful, Instagram-worthy lunch boxes. It's little wonder that they want to see if they measure up ... and then share the results on social media.

“We are living in a time of highly performative and competitive parenting, so it doesn't surprise me that these challenges are trending," Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science and parenting journalist and author of the soon-to-be-released book Hello, Cruel World!, tells Yahoo Life. "Research suggests that intensive parenting — the notion that we should pour as many resources as we can into our kids' development — is now the norm among all social classes." Wenner Moyer adds: "Rising economic inequality makes it feel as if raising kids is a zero-sum game. Parents worry that if they don't raise kids the ‘right’ way, and parent ‘better’ than everyone else, their kids won't have a chance.”

Even though it can feel like a competitive space, within that, parenting itself can feel "solitary in nature," psychiatrist Michelle Dees tells Yahoo Life. That loneliness can send parents to find community (or commiseration) on social media. "TikTok affords parents with the much-needed connection to others and the opportunity to reflect on their parenting approaches that are shaped by an intensely digital world," Dees says.

That can include participating in viral parenting challenges, though Dees notes that there is a "social performance" at play here. In these videos, the parents are "transforming intimacy" — a moment between themselves and their child — "into social spectacle.” For some, it’s less about the kids’ answers and more about joining the conversation and showing their (often validating) results to others.

Oksana Hagerty, an educational and developmental psychologist and dean of the Center for Student Success at Beacon College, raises another concern: While these challenges can offer "insight and humor," she's wary of including footage of kids on social media and reminds parents that these posts are “essentially permanent.”

We want to know we are doing it 'right' — but a challenge can't determine your parenting success

While Pash sees the appeal of these challenges, she's also worked with upset clients who have tried these trends. “I've consoled parents who felt like failures when their toddler immediately grabbed the candy while other kids waited patiently, not realizing that impulse control develops differently in every child,” she says.

Parents who have a heartwarming moment with their kids as a result of these challenges will understandably want to pat themselves on the back. But kids are kids — and there shouldn't be any shame attached to a toddler, say, immediately wolfing down some jelly beans, not leaning into a cuddle or not delivering a cutesy answer to a fill-in-the-blank challenge, adds Wenner Moyer. She recommends taking these trends with a grain of salt.

“These videos suggest that if your kids happen to know certain parenting phrases, you're a bad parent," she says. "That's just silly — there are many reasons kids might know these popular phrases that have nothing to do with how they have been parented."

Wenner Moyer adds that the idea that you have "failed" as a parent if your child is unable to resist eating candy is also simply illogical. She points to similar videos modeled after the “marshmallow test” in the 1960s, which tried to connect a child’s self-control as a preschooler to their success years later. “But recent research has called the validity of those findings into question," she says. "And a TikTok video is not a controlled experiment capable of predicting a child's future."

Ultimately, Wenner Moyer wants parents to face less pressure, not more. “I worry that these trends will exacerbate our epidemic of parental anxiety and fear, and make us feel even more competitive with other parents," she says. "But parenting isn't a zero-sum game. We shouldn't be pitting ourselves and our kids against each other; we should be talking to each other, crowdsourcing and normalizing parental imperfection.”

Other ways to check in with your parenting

Parenting is tough, so it makes sense to want to know how you are doing. “I'd encourage you to get curious about what you're really seeking," Pash says. "Validation? Reassurance? Connection? These are all valid needs, but there are more meaningful ways to gauge your parenting impact." Here's what she recommends:

• Watch your child, not social media: “Watch for how your child regulates emotions, how they treat others and how they communicate their needs."

• Check in with yourself about your relationship: “Can your child be authentic with you? Do they come to you when they're hurt or scared? Trust the relationship you're building over any viral challenge results."

• Presence over perfection: “Remember, good parenting isn't perfect parenting — it's being present, responsive and willing to repair when you make mistakes. These everyday moments matter far more than how your child performs in a TikTok test."