My husband moved his mistress into our house. Can our marriage be saved?

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Amy & T.J.,

I am desperately trying to make my marriage work, but my husband isn’t. He used to go to a nearby city to see another woman. Now she’s living with us. My husband stands up for her, not for me. I do her laundry and found suspicious things in her basket. I have tons of witnesses who have seen them together. I even caught them in bed. I told them I would be burning the bed next time I see them in it. I’ve been told I could take my husband to the cleaners if I divorced him. But I want to make my marriage work. What should I do?

— Oralia

Gut reaction

T.J. Holmes: I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but you shouldn’t be in a relationship with this person. He’s gonna bring his mistress into the house where he lives with his wife?!

Amy Robach: Have you said, “I don’t want that woman in our home?”

On further thought …

AR: You have to ask yourself, “Am I willing to share this man?” Some women might be fine with that and feel like they have an extra girlfriend, someone to help with cooking and cleaning, if that’s what’s happening in their home.

But at this point, you can’t say that it’s happening to you. You are choosing to live with it and allow it by staying. But is that good enough for you? Do you love this man enough that you’re willing to share him? And if that’s the case, then stay. But if you’re staying, you’re allowing it to occur around you and in your home.

TH: I think you need to talk to your friends, your therapist, your mom, whoever is around who can support you, because you desperately need it. This is too much. I don’t know if you have anywhere to go, but if you’re aware that he is fully in another relationship, then I’m sorry, but he has already left you. He may even be trying to force you out.

AR: If you’re hanging onto this relationship, you may be deluding yourself about your husband’s behavior. I think you need to get honest with yourself. This is happening, so what do you want to do about it? I understand you may feel like you don’t have a place to go; You may feel trapped, and I feel for you, if that’s what you’re going through. I can see how that would make you hope that your husband’s behavior with this woman isn’t what it appears to be, but it almost certainly is.

TH: I hope you won’t wait for there to be a “next time” you catch your husband and the other woman in bed. I can’t fault you if you feel like you have no other choice but to stay in this situation. But now, the onus is not on him to resolve it, it’s on you.

AR: We give away our power too much, and you, right now, are giving away your power. You’re letting your husband decide what happens within your marriage and outside of it, inside your home. If you’re threatening to burn the bed next time, I think you already know that there’s going to be a next time.

I would love for you to take your power back and make the decision that’s best for you. You have to take it upon yourself to stay in this situation or to leave. Because your husband has shown you who he is, you just need to believe him.

TH: He’s telling you, as clearly as possible, what he thinks about you and the relationship. And it really sucks.

I don’t envy anybody in your position because sometimes it’s difficult to leave for financial reasons. Amy and I have friends who are divorced but have to live together here in New York, because they can’t afford to go anywhere. That is really a strain on your mental health and happiness.

AR: And as long as your safety isn’t threatened, we’re talking about your peace. So, what is the price of peace? I, personally, would rather live in a shack and have peace than to be in a situation like yours, where your husband — who you apparently love — is just blatantly choosing another woman over you, and you have to watch it happen.

I cannot imagine the mental trauma that is causing you, and when you have that kind of trauma, it manifests physically. I worry not only about your mental health, but also your physical health. I think your well-being is in jeopardy if you stay in that home. I would suggest you recognize that it’s within your power to leave, and do whatever is possible to make that happen. Start planting whatever seeds you need to, financially or logistically, to get the heck out of there.

The final word

TH: Making a plan is a good place to start right now. Your plan doesn’t have to come together overnight, but you’ve got to start charting a course to resolve this. Yours is almost an explosive, dangerous scenario. You may love him, but the way he’s treating you tells me you are not even a consideration in his life.

AR: I am honestly begging you to focus not on the love you feel for your husband, but on loving yourself. That’s where it starts: When you love yourself and respect yourself, you will never let someone treat you the way your husband is right now.

A therapist once told me: When you’re assessing whether your marriage is right or wrong for you, ask yourself, “Is this a relationship that you would want for your child?” If the answer is no, then that’s your answer.